I always want to have it all.
I'm a 3 on the Enneagram, "The Achiever," and I love to have things to check off my list. I like to be able to prove my capabilities to myself and others. If someone tells me something is difficult, that makes me want to do it all the more.
And that's true for me as a mom, too. I want to work and stay at home. I want to bring in a paycheck and take care of my baby, myself. But, I'm really struggling with that lately. Being a working-stay-at-home mom is really running me ragged.
I currently have a great job that I can do at home. I set my own hours, I can clock in or out at any point throughout the day. That gives me a ton of flexibility to be with Brynlee whenever she needs me as well as take teaching gigs and the auditions that are slowly starting to come back my way. I love that, even if I have two or three hours left to work when Ryan comes home, he makes dinner and gives Brynlee a bath and puts her to bed while I finish working. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have a job that provides me with being able to have it all, in that sense. I love that I can be with my girl all day but still bring in a paycheck. But, it's also really, really hard. For one, I really like going to work. I like leaving the house and doing my work and then coming home and just being home. As it is now, my home life and work life are really blurred together and I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out for this, long-term.
Until I have my hours worked each day, I constantly feel like they're hanging over my head and that I can't be fully present until they're done. And then there are the constant distractions of home - the floors that need to be cleaned, the shower I want to take, the closets that desperately need to be organized. I always feel like my brain is divided on the days that I work from home.
A lot of people tell me how much they'd love to work from home like I do. I think some people are much more cut out for this sort of lifestyle than I am. I know that something needs to shift but I'm not sure what or how. I also know that this feeling is part of a phase. I won't always have a baby that needs undivided attention. She'll get older and my schedule will feel a bit more stable, but even so, I wonder what route I should take.
I miss going to work. But, I don't want to be working outside my home every day, right now.
I still want to be at home with Brynlee because I'm her only mom and I miss her even when I'm gone for an afternoon.
I still want to have it all. But, maybe I need to make a little room for what I'm cut out for and what I'm not cut out for. I need to make a little room for the hard days when this phase feels a whole lot more like a sentencing. I need to not beat myself up for being distracted when I'm reading books with Brynlee or making us lunch or going on a walk with her when she won't nap. I need to stop feeling guilty for having a divided mind and be a little bit more kind to myself.
Maybe you're feeling a little uncomfortable with where you're at, currently. Maybe you know something needs to shift or adjust a little but but you're not quite sure how or when. I understand. I feel like that too. But, I know we will figure this out.
Remember to be kind to yourself, to listen to your gut, and to remember that having it all might just be a little overrated.
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