Friday, September 2, 2016

oh, mama

At the beginning of the summer, I had every intention of giving a lot of love to my little blog, over here. But, well-intentioned goals don't always happen they way we think and that's okay. Because more important things are happening!

Turns out, bigger plans for my summer had already been laid out. On an evening when Ryan & I were about to head to our friends' home for dinner and to drink a whole lot of wine, I took a pregnancy test and wait, what? Hold on. What? Okay, yeah, this was "planned" but this is a thing? Now? (that was basically my train of thought) And thus, our summer quickly became less about backpacking through national parks (our original plan) and more about coddling my sorry ass around because I had next to no energy to do anything except eat and sleep. Ryan & I still managed to pull off our trip to Montana and have an amazing time, which is due largely to his patience & flexibility & dealing with my high maintenance needs. The day we returned home to Sacramento, we hit up our local Trader Joe's for all our usual staples, and realized the next day how terrible of an idea that way as I was beginning the journey into all the joy that is morning sickness. (ALSO, whoever in their right mind - probably a man - came up with the term "morning sickness" should be publicly scorned, because it does not accurately represent what should actually be called "any & all hours of the day & night sickness") I'll spare you from all those gory details, but let's just say, it wasn't my finest hour - err, month. (shoutout again to my love for doing absolutely everything I ever needed. dishes. scrubbing out the toilet at 7am. going on orange juice runs. popsicle runs. making me 47 grilled cheese sandwiches. etc & so forth)
So, there ya go. Summer, basically over.

I'm sure most people feel this way about a lot of things in their life. But, let me tell you, all this "making it public" business is as terrifying for me as it is exciting. As a 3 on the Enneagram (google it), I am highly aware of the image of myself I put across. The last few years have been all about school and pursuing a career in theatre. And, to be frank, having a child kind of throws a little bit of a twist into that whole life path. That's not to say I haven't wanted this or that it wasn't planned. It's also been something I've always envisioned for myself. And the fact that it's happening now just feels right. I can't say much else about it, besides that. The timing feels right. Something deep inside me knows that it's good and knows that this is what my life will revolve around for a while (a long time). But, all that being said, it's still terrifying.
What will people think of my choices? Does this mesh with the other plans I have? Crap, our apartment isn't big enough for three people. What if we announce it and then something tragic happens? What if I can't go back to school like I want to? What if I have to stop performing for way longer than I want to? What about my plans to be a director? What about the acting classes I'm teaching? What about my abs????

Big change is terrifying. Big change is never not terrifying. And no matter what, there will always be that thing inside me that feels the pull to explain myself at any given turn. If you know me well at all, you know this about me. However, I'm slowly learning to be aware of this part of me and then to let it go (or at least try). Because, I'm pretty damn proud of who I am. I'm pretty proud of what I've accomplished with my life, my schooling, my career thus far. I'm pretty grateful and for the relationships that I have, that I've been lucky enough to encounter, that I've worked really hard for.

And, I'm proud of this.
I'm proud of my body for doing this.
I'm proud that I continue to choose to do exactly what I want.
I'm proud that I chose this.

"I am a universe wrapped in skin"


1 comment:

  1. Love your blog...will be following you and this wonderful time! Adorable picture, by the way! :)

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