Ryan & I have been visiting our best friends, Jordan & Joe, in LA for the past week. Jordan & Ry have known each other forever (they're cousins) and when we all coupled up, we discovered how well we all got along. It's a rare thing to find another couple and have everyone click so well. And when you do, you gotta hold on to that. Jordan & I have gotten real close over the last few years. She's a driven, passionate woman who I am continually inspired by. When we showed up in LA last week, she & I were basically twinning. Typical. This week has been a lot of delicious food, a lot of laughs, a lot of coffee, McDonald's ice cream cones, heart to hearts, Finding Dory, cooking adventures, Jimmy Fallon, stickers, Shake Shack, Louis ck, and wine. All the best things.
I love coming to Los Angeles. Even though Ryan & I lived 45 minutes north of the actual city, and for less than a year at that, we have a lot of nostalgia for Southern California. I discovered a lot about myself here. A lot about what I want out of my career. Out of life. And together, we discovered a love for the city & the desert that we didn't know we'd have. LA will always hold a special place in our hearts.
LA taught me to be brutally honest with myself. It was a scary thing to learn, especially coming straight out of college. Nothing can prepare you - no class, no professor, no wildly supportive husband - for what happens when you realize that the dream you decided to pursue actually doesn't feel right, or like it aligns with your soul (I realize how dramatic that sounds but stay with me). Nothing can prepare you for that night you're sitting out on your back porch & the desert rain starts to drench you & you're thinking, "We left everything & everyone in Northern California because I wanted to be a movie star. And now I'm terrified to admit to myself that this isn't actually what I want." Nothing prepares you for the brutal honesty your deepest self brings you to when you don't want it to. LA taught me to be okay with that.
And now, here I am. Two years later. I've been performing in Sacramento ever since. And I find myself at another point that begs brutal honesty & action.
I was watching the Tony's the other night (so good, so much Hamilton, so many feelings) and as the winning directors went onstage to accept their awards, they talked about everything they love about their job - working with actors, working with writers, tearing a part a script to find every detail, nuance, treasure, and putting all the pieces of a story together. And I couldn't help but lean forward & think, "That could be me. I can do that. I want to do that. That SHOULD be me."
A director. Me. A director.
I can do that. I want to do that.
So here I am, again in Los Angeles, remembering what my time in this city taught me. Here I am, putting this dream in writing. Because I want to hold myself to this. I owe it to myself. I owe it to Ryan. I owe it to LA.