Friday, October 16, 2015

post-show prose

A couple nights ago, I went to a concert at a tiny little venue on the outskirts of my city. It's this dingy little place I've been going to since I was 18. So much nostalgia. The concert was everything I hoped it would be. Black t-shirts & black skinny jeans. Piercings & half-shaved heads. A green "x" on my right hand to indicate that I'm over 21. A paper bracelet on my wrist. Kids that never grew out of their hardcore phase no matter what you may think of them. A front man of a band I listened to my freshman & sophomore years of college in hopes that the guys I wanted to date would think I was cool. (That was totally a thing. Thanks, Underoath.) I went to this concert & had a great time. Felt like a kid in the best way. Was surrounded by the music & the vibe that makes me feel alive in the way only a tiny dingy hipster venue can. And oddly enough, the post show letdown has been just as strong as it was when I was a teenager, itching to be onstage, myself. Even though that's not my career goal anymore, there's still a part of me that resonates with that scene so much. I can't explain it, really. It's just how it is. And oddly enough, this has all brought me to this series of thought...

Do you ever feel the very strong & distinct urge to apologize?
For who you are? 
For something you feel? 
For knowing something simply because you know? 
Do you ever feel like you have to justify the reason, or for that matter, the lack thereof? 
I do. 
Sometimes I feel a conglomeration of emotions & feel a strong urge to explain, to justify, to say, "Hey, I'm going to try my best to put into words exactly what I'm thinking & why." And then I try & it comes out all wrong & gosh why did I even try in the first place? 
And sometimes people don't understand. They don't get it. And that's okay, they don't have to. Sometimes those people dismiss you because oh, you're too much to handle, you're irrational, you're unreasonable. And then, then sometimes, the best times, people say, "Stop apologizing for what you feel. I don't love you inspite of this, I love you because of this." Those are your people. Don't let go of those people. You need those people. And they need you. 

Maybe this is me imploring myself & you. To stop apologizing. To stop justifying. You're you for a reason. You feel what you feel & there is nothing wrong with that. Stop beating yourself up for what you can't control. Feel what you feel. You don't have to be defined by it, but you also don't have to excuse it or justify it not anyone. If someone faults you for what you feel, they're probably not one of your people. 

Hold onto what you love. Hold onto the people that love you because of exactly who you are. 

I should go to concerts more than a couple times a year. They do my soul good. 

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